Current mood:	exanimate
Entry tags:	all i've loved i've loved alone, frankandgerard

All I've Loved, I've Loved Alone (10) I Am A Monster, Hate Me, Destroy Me
Title: All I've Loved, I've Loved Alone
Author: bittersweet_sea
Pairing: Frank/Gerard, Gerard/Mikey (more or less implied)
Rating: NC-17 for sex, incest, violence, language.
Disclaimer: I do own the my chemical romances. I have them chained to my bathroom wall as we speak.
Warnings: Language.
Summary: "You ARE our king. You do not rule us, yet we are your subjects none the less."
Author's Note: Written in first person, in the form of diary entries from Gerard's point of view.


12/26…continued.

Frank was still trying to throw his clothes on as he chased me back to my home. His pants were stuck together, still absolutely soaked, and it appeared that his vest had shrunk from the cold, while mine had stretched itself out, and after being unable to keep my pace, he ripped it off and left it behind. Thank God there was no one around to see that show.

He asked me no questions the whole way there, and the whole way inside. He’d already seen me naked and didn’t seem to notice when I stripped of my wet clothes and went immediately for a robe I’d left in a chair in the library, wet clothes left hanging on various chairs to dry. “Sit.”

Frank sat on his hands at the very end of a wooden chair. “What…what are you doing?”

I was too busy digging about in my drawers to really answer, but when I found my stethoscope, I walked over to him, kneeling in front of him. “Look, I’m not going to make a science fair project out of you. You do trust me, don’t you?”

He nodded, smiling weakly but not with the confidence I usually saw in his eyes.

I pressed the end to his chest, pushing the dripping ends of his still unbuttoned shirt out of the way. It wasn’t like I expected the beat in his chest to be gone, and so I wasn’t surprised or angry when I heard it there, clear, loud as day. It was the reason why his body was always so warm, when I’d always thought he was just holding in the warmth from indoors better than anyone else I’d ever been so close to.

“Gerard?”

“Mmm?” I listened to his voice ring in his chest, backed by the hum of his breath.

“When I first came here…” he said quietly, as if edging around a subject, “well, you listened to my chest…and you said that I was a vampire because you couldn’t hear anything in me.”

Oh well, fuck. I did say that. “The truth was…I heard nothing. I thought your heart was gone. I didn’t think to check for stitches…for anything.”

He bit his lip while I pulled away from him. “So…what, did it just start beating?”

I shook my head. I went for my books. “No, it never stopped. I don’t think I heard it because I assumed it wasn’t there. I was too used to not hearing one that I couldn’t recognize what one sounded like. A theory, anyway.”

“Well, okay, sure, but what’s going to happen to me? Am I dying or something?”

I scoffed. “You’re not dying,” I told him, flipping through pages of a diary I’d kept previously. This had happened before. I had notes on it somewhere. I knew now what he was.

Little is known about these ‘super’ vampires, as the French parliament has released no information to the public or otherwise on them. Other nations aren’t even aware, as it seems, but it is to be expected that they have ideas similar to this already in process and collaboration on such a subject is as such, rendered unnecessary. The conclusions we’ve come to, based upon this poor soul we’ve found, is that they are humans turned vampires, and share many, if not all the qualities that we possess. The one difference, it seems, is the apparent fact that these vampires retain their human hearts, which continue to beat as if they were still among the living. They still do not age, as we do not, but their bodies have distinct temperatures that are constant, unlike ours, which fluctuate with the temperatures of the air around us. This one was actually quite hot, well over a hundred degrees. He seemed to act normally, like one of us, and wasn’t in any way vicious or cruel as we had come to know of these creatures. But he had great strength, and seemed not to respond to our venom- he was not paralyzed. His senses were more heightened than even ours were, and had the reflexes of a cat. He remembered very clearly his life prior to becoming an experiment of the government, and he related it to us, as if we were old friends. We then asked him to run for us- to chase a specified target, and he was faster than us, catching a small rabbit from tall grass before half of our control group had even smelled the rabbit’s blood. We had great strength over humans, but this creature- his name was Gerard as well- had much power over us. And that in itself is a frightening thought.

“Whoa…no. I’m not government issued, I promise you,” he said, shaking his head wildly. “I would have remembered something like that for certain.”

“I don’t think you’re a government vampire, Frank, but I do think you were bitten by one. Theirs is the only kind of venom that does not require the heart to be removed to work. But at the same time, it can work if no heart is present as well.”

He sighed, slumping forward. “At least I’m not dying.”

“On the contrary, I don’t think anything could kill you. Not a vampire like me, anyway. You most certainly surpass me in physical strength, and you could probably snap me over your knee if it so pleased you to do so.”

I saw him peek out a little from behind his hair. “You know I wouldn’t do that, right?”

I chuckled. “I should hope so.”

He sat up again, rubbing his hands over his thighs before he stood. “So…you didn’t hear my heart…”

“…because, and this is just a theory, I didn’t expect to. I heard what I wanted to hear.”

“You wanted me to be a vampire?”

“I…had feelings toward you…not like now, but that I liked you, and I didn’t want you to
leave. Had you had a heart, you probably wouldn’t have been with me. And…my mind takes over. I just can’t believe I missed something as big as that.”

Frank chuckled. “You had the hots for me? Aw, shucks.”

“Mm, yes, but beyond that, my question is…why was this extreme bit of information kept from me? At least five people had to have examined you prior to your placement in that cell, and had they found, which I'm sure they did, that your heart beat, then it would be the first thing anyone ever used to describe you. And yet...I heard nothing of it.”

He shook his head. “Nope. Only Ray. He’s the one that found me, and he was the one I woke up to, and was the only one who ever touched me. No one has examined me but you and him.”

”We found him, and he was actually in pretty good condition, I mean, he was missing the jugular, as customary, but otherwise everything else was intact”

I broke the pen I held in my hand as that thought occurred to me. “Raymond…will hang! He knew this. He had to have known, but he never told me! He never said a word, and you’d think, you’d think of all things THIS would be something he would tell me. I thought I could trust him.”

Frank bit his lip. “He probably had a good reason. Don’t just string him up for no reason.”

I wheeled around to look at him, as I had begun to pace before him. “You don’t understand, Frank. I took Ray off the street- I almost saved his life. And when I just wasn’t fast enough, the guilt that I felt compelled me to give him everything I could so he could start over again as a vampire. We were best friends. We were soldiers together. We worked to protect refugee vampires, newborns, anyone. There was never any secrets between us.”

Frank frowned, his eyebrows meeting in the middle. “Never any secrets?”

“We were just friends, it wasn’t like what you’re thinking. But, we were close nonetheless. And he’s never kept something like this from me before! I…don’t know what happened.”

“Well, you can go see him, can’t you?”

“No. He’s in America with his wife and son.”

“But you guys have phones, right?”

~

Frank wove the phone in my face until I decided it probably was best to call since it was improbable that Ray would be back anytime soon if he was trying to protect his family from eminent war. It was not much safer in the United States, but they had kept vacation time over the years for an occasion, and there were few other places safer. Europe hated us beyond anything, Asia as well, for reasons beyond us. Africa was generally at war with itself, Australia was on Europe’s side, and South America believed us to be the human incarnation of the Chupacabra. Only America was beginning to accept us, and it was they who took the forefront on placing us here to keep us ‘safe.’ Despite probably wanting to be as rid of us as the rest of the world, we had no-where else to turn.

Ray answered quickly. “Gerard? You never use your phone! Is something wrong? Are they attacking?”

“Not yet, but I smell smoke on the horizon, believe me.” Frank was sitting in the chair next to me, eyeing me as if to keep me from going off on Ray, like I desperately wanted to. He’d never admit it, though, believe me.

“So what is it? Problems with Frank?”

“…you could say so, yes.” I looked over at him there in the chair. His ears were all pricked up, like a dog, and I knew he could hear Ray’s voice on the other line, if he couldn’t just read my thoughts altogether. It’s funny how power comes out in a person when they know they have it. You figure humans only use two percent of their brains…imagine one day scientists figure out that one could levitate objects…the whole telekinesis bit. Then everyone would be doing it. They’re just not there doing it now because they don’t know what they’re capable of. Amazing. I digress. “I was out with him today, and you wouldn’t believe what I found.”

Ray paused for a time longer than a natural pause. “Like what?”

“His heart.”

“Oh…?”

“Yes. And it’s in his chest, beating. You know, it’s funny, because you never mentioned that factor to me, which, as you would probably agree, is probably more important than anything else you could ever tell me. Additionally, he revealed to me that you alone were the only one to ever examine him, therefore you would have been the ONLY one who would be savvy to such information.”

Ray didn’t respond right away and I looked over at Frank, who had a distinct frown on his face, although I wasn’t sure if it was directed at my words or Ray’s responses.

“Gerard, please don’t be mad, I had to do it, I did!”

“Why? Enlighten me.”

Another long pause. “Look- just- you have to trust me, Gerard. It’s better just left alone. I’m sorry, okay? I was trying to protect you. You could be killed! I didn’t want you to die! What was I supposed to do? Maybe you should enlighten me!”

“WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?”

“You bit him Gerard! You turned him into a vampire! It’s high heresy and if anyone ever knew, you’d be put on trial faster than you could even say ‘trial.’ And you KNOW the government because you ARE the government! What a spectacle it would be to hang our elder?! What publicity?! What a way to glorify the republic to rid the government of all the ‘incorrigibles?’ The ‘corrupt?’ And you know what? You’d be sentenced to death before there ever was a trial. You’d be in the papers. Your face would line the streets on hate posters, hate mail, hate anything you can put on a piece of paper.”

Frank’s jaw was hanging open, and he was looking up at me. And his look was enough to break my heart in two. He looked so angry, completely side stepping any sadness or regret.

“How…no. I didn’t, Ray, I’m always at home. I never sleep! I didn’t do this.”

He sighed on the other end, a crackling rumble that forced me to hold the receiver from my ear. “It was subconscious. We all have episodes, Gerard, but you slipped into one of those and you made it only so far before the French stationed on the coast got you. Gerard, they know who you are, the whole world does. You’re our king, whether you realize it or not. You don’t rule us directly but we are your subjects none the less. If they had you, you would be victimized- we would be victimized. They injected you with that venom- you’re a French super-vampire, Gerard. You ARE the monster we’re fighting now. Somehow, I don’t know how honestly, but you left the country, you went to America and you started stalking him in the night. I couldn’t tell you why, but you-you had some sort of attraction to him, and I guess that what’s showing up in you now. But you bit him, and I suppose it’s out of love, but now you both are mutations of us, and you’re all we’ve got.”

And suddenly everything was clear to me. I’d just been told I could harness my telekinetic side, my 98%. I could hear Frank’s heart beating in his chest. I could smell from several feet away his sweet smell of cigarettes. He still smoked. Cigarettes and…salt. Seawater. His expression wasn’t so angry anymore…more confused, hurt even, in a lost puppy dog sort of way.

“Please. I needed to protect you. Nobody else knows. But I’m going to be honest with you- there is a war on the horizon. We as a race are either going to be absolutely obliterated, or we’ll triumph, but all we have is a dumpy militia and two indestructibles. And no matter what, you and Frank will be the ones leading us into battle because you both are the only shot we have. If the public knew you changed him, we wouldn’t have you there to lead us. We need your leadership more than anything, and yes, I know, I would have needed to tell you about your power eventually, but just please, please understand why I feared to tell you, because I knew you would figure out that Frank was your doing and that...Hell, I didn’t know what would happen when you knew. I just feared losing you to an untimely death. Losing you as friend but keeping you alive seemed better than the death of everyone, including you. I-I wanted you and Frank to have as much time together on Earth as you could. It was a crime of passion, I knew it.”

I looked out to the window. Suddenly, it was morning. Time had passed, and I hadn’t even realized it. The sun was rising, bloody red on the horizon.

“Gerard?”

Red sky at night, sailor’s delight. Red sky in morning, sailor’s warning.

“Gerard? Are you there?”

“Ray…leave the guest room open.” I looked over at Frank who was staring back at me, eyes wide. “We’re coming to America.”

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